Yesterday, the final round of group games at the 2018 World Cup were completed and the last 16 countries left in the competition were confirmed. Those teams, and the round of 16 fixtures are:

France vs Argentina (30/06 3pm)
Uruguay vs Portugal (30/06 7pm)
Spain vs Russia (01/07 3pm)
Croatia vs Denmark (01/07 7pm)
Brazil vs Mexico (02/07 3pm)
Belgium vs Japan (02/07 7pm)
Sweden vs Switzerland (03/07 3pm)
Colombia vs England (03/07 7pm)

The purpose of this post isn’t to look forward to these games though, rather, I’d like to reflect on what has happened so far in a review of the group stage.

After a bewildering opening ceremony headlined by the charming Robbie Williams, who was the first to stick up a middle finger in plain view of a camera – something that so far has proven to be a theme of this World Cup – the curtain raising game was hosts Russia up against Saudi Arabia in a match destined for only one winner; human rights abuse. In the end a surprisingly good Russia beat a surprisingly bad Saudi Arabia 5-0. It is an easy joke to suggest Russia being surprisingly good isn’t necessarily that surprising after previously, ahem, enhanced performances in other global sporting events. That a joke is easy is not to say it isn’t funny. The next game in the group saw Uruguay beat Egypt (without the injured Mo Salah) 1-0. The less said about that game the better.
The next round of fixtures for this group was Russia 3-1 Egypt (now with Salah), and another boring 1-0 victory for Uruguay, this time against Saudi Arabia. Russia again looked impressive, and Uruguay again looked far from impressive. This ensured both Russia and Uruguay went through, and led to what was sure to be an intriguing and hotly contested match between the hosts and Uruguay to see who would top the group. Uruguay won that 3-0. In the other game Saudi Arabia upset Egypt to secure 3rd place in the group and a first World Cup finals win since 1994.

Group B consisted of Spain, Portugal, Iran and Morocco and in the first round of games Spain and Portugal served up arguably the best game of the tournament so far – a 3-3 draw. Morocco vs Iran was also an interesting game in that Morocco absolutely hammered Iran, losing 1-0 to an own goal very late. In the second round of games Morocco again battered their opponents and were by far the better team, again losing 1-0 and left ruing their lack of a forward able to score a goal. Spain’s 1-0 win against Iran meant Morocco went out despite being the better team in both their games, but the gorgeous Herve Renard with his crisp white shirts, unbuttoned enough to reveal a glimpse of chest, and his team of lovely technical players who can’t score certainly gained a large number of admirers. In the final round of games Morocco finally worked out how to score and got a 2-2 draw against Spain. Another game in which they were the better team. Portugal vs Iran was very eventful and saw the VAR, your uncle after 13 pints trying to break up a fight, accidentally tripping up 7 innocent bystanders and starting 3 days of riots, award a frankly ridiculous penalty to Iran which, had they converted quite an easy chance late in the game, would have knocked Portugal out of the competition. Spain and Portugal progressed to the round of 16, and the best team in the group – Morocco – finished last, sparking a debate as to whether goals scored is the best way to decide the winner of a game of football.

Group C saw Denmark and France qualify for the next round despite both being bad at football, with Peru, battling for the title of best team at the tournament with Morocco, being eliminated along with Australia. A largely joyless group of games led to two largely joyless teams going through but the Peru team, along with the two thirds of its population who went along to support their team, captured the hearts of many neutrals, adding further fuel to the fiery debate as to whether goals scored is the best way to decide the winner of a game of football.

In group D, arguably the most exciting group with the most Big Group D Energy, Croatia and Argentina qualified, despite Argentina’s best attempts not to. In the first round of games, Argentina drew with Iceland’s viking clap 1-1, with Lionel Messi missing a penalty and undoing all the achievements of his career so far and confirming he is, as was long suspected, a worse footballer than Andreas Granqvist. Iceland are the underdog that nobody should love but lots of people do. Their Tony Pulis era Stoke City style of football, down to the long throw as the most prolific method of attacking, leads to games of biblical boringness. Their attacking plans seem to be to chuck the ball into the box from the sidelines or just kick it forwards and hope it somehow finds its way into the net in a gust of wind or after bouncing off several limbs, which it did in their game against Argentina. In the other game Nigeria, not wearing their glorious kit, put in a disappointing display, losing 2-0 to Croatia, inspired by a superb Luka Modric. Argentina really tried to ensure an early exit in the next round of games, losing 3-0 to Croatia, with Luka Modric excellent again. Stoke City lost 2-0 to Nigeria, with Nigeria playing much more like a team many people saw as the dark horse of the competition. This set up a final round of games in which Argentina had to beat Nigeria by more than Iceland beat Croatia. Iceland, having no attacking plan, lost 2-1 to Croatia, scoring a penalty – probably the best goal they’ve ever scored. In the other game, Argentina were locked at 1-1 against Nigeria and it looked like the super eagles were going through before Marcos Rojo of all people scored a fantastic volley to send Argentina through.

Group E saw Brazil and Switzerland qualify after Brazil succeeded in their must win game against a previously impressive Serbia team. Aside from that last game there isn’t a lot to talk about from this group, Brazil were ok but didn’t look like the favourites for the tournament we thought they were.

The opening game of group F was a 1-0 win for Mexico against Germany. Germany opted not to defend in this game, a revolutionary tactic from a manager who likes to eat his own bogeys and sniff his own butthole which didn’t really work. Mexico could have won by much more. Sweden beat South Korea 1-0 thanks to a penalty by the aforementioned GOAT, Andreas Granqvist. Germany continued to be poor for their remaining games, Toni Kroos saving their place in the tournament by scoring a wonderful late goal, curling a free kick right into the top corner against Sweden in a 2-1 win. They then abandoned defending against South Korea and lost 2-0, and now they’re back home in Germany. Ha! Sweden won the group and Mexico came second, probably to go out in the round of 16 as they like to do.

The biggest story to come out of Group G was that football is coming home. After 2 games Belgium and England were confirmed to be in the round of 16. England won that game by losing to Belgium, ensuring they have what looks like an easier route to the semi-finals. Not that it matters when they’re going to win the whole thing anyway.

One team that will still be present in the round of 16 is the VARs, the collection of riot starting uncles dressed in full ref kit in a roomy looking portaloo in Moscow. They interfere in games, asking the OFRs (on field refs) to look at the decisions they’ve made and correct them to the wrong one.

All in all the round of 16 was pretty good, leading to debates about the current goals scored method of deciding a winner, and about whether OFRs really need to be told to make the wrong decision, or if they’re bad enough to do it themselves. The football was all right too.