Living With Depression III

I’ve written two posts about my experience with depression so far, so I thought it would be rude not to make it a trilogy. And now seems like a good time to do it, I came off my medication a couple of months ago and got a job a couple of weeks after that, and generally I feel as close to pre-depression me as ever – albeit a bit older and a bit heavier. I’m sure some people saw me share this post and thought oh no, Liam’s writing about his depression again, I can’t believe he’s still exploiting that for his blog. To those people I say hell yes I am! The past two depression posts have got great numbers for me, and if there’s something I love it’s getting great numbers on my blogs. But also I have had to live with this for four years, and the least I can do is exploit it for views. It’s also good to talk openly about our mental health, it might just help someone down the line, and that would be a good thing.

So what has happened since my last depression related post? Well, actually, before I wrote that, I broke up with my girlfriend – or rather she broke up with me. This seems like a weird place to start when we’re talking about the improvement in my mental health but I think the consequences of that, apart from the bit of heartbreak, have been really positive. It meant that I left Guernsey to move back to the UK, which felt like a fresh start for me and gave me something to look forward to.

And then I moved back and was on universal credit for about a year. This was less than ideal, the money you get from that is… not very much, and I still struggled with my finances, mainly because my impulse control was non-existent. It was easy to think when I had a bad day that buying something would make me feel better, and it might do in the moment, but when I came to check my bank balance the feeling was much worse than it would have been had I not bought a completely pointless takeaway or whatever else I felt would be a good mood booster. I eventually realised I couldn’t keep haemorrhaging money as I was, so I started to budget, cancelled some subscriptions and, luckily, started feeling better in myself, finding it easier to control my impulses.

While I was having no luck finding a job it was recommended to me by various people to do some volunteering somewhere, to boost my CV but also to get out of the house a bit and get back into any kind of work, to see how I would feel mentally. I wasn’t sure about volunteering at first. I held some bitterness about the difficulty I was having trying to find a job. I applied for quite a lot and never even got an interview. It seemed to me like I was being ignored because of my mental health issues and that made me resent the idea of giving my time up for free – did people only want me if I wouldn’t even demand payment for my labour? One suggestion that sounded like something I could do though was to volunteer at Citizens Advice, so I applied for that at the end of May this year. I went for an interview and was offered a role there. I was really happy, I had been turned away from so many places and to get a yes was such a huge relief. I was in a group of about five people who all started at the same time. We went for a few training days and then I was assigned to help out on the web chat service. For the first time in a long time I felt like I was doing something worthwhile and I felt proud of myself. I had filled in the application, gone to the interview and got the job. Maybe I could do it. Working seemed like a real possibility for the first time in a few years.

I applied for my job at Morrisons in October, I still hadn’t really got an interview anywhere else so I didn’t hold out much hope, but it didn’t take long for the email to come through inviting me to an interview. I would finally have to bring out the suit I bought about ten months ago. Again I was offered the job at my interview, so obviously I make a fantastic impression in person. I was so pleased to have finally been offered money in exchange for my work after a year of searching. I have been at Morrisons for about six weeks now and I feel like having this job has been a real boost for me. Work was one of the main factors that led to me having depression, and for a while there I felt like I would never be able to work again. But I do now and, as I said, it has had a massive positive impact on my mental health. Having the routine of work is great, my sleep pattern has been consistent since I started, and, with the job being active, I get exercise every day, either through work or going to the gym – something else I have more motivation for since starting my job.

I stopped taking my tablets a couple of months ago. I was starting to feel stable and the side-effects were less than ideal things to deal with long term. One of the medications I was on massively increased my appetite, leading me to put on a lot of weight in the couple of years I took them. The other tablet had some… unfortunate sexual side-effects. Probably something you don’t want to read about but, if you’re curious, the medication is called sertraline. If you’re not interested, that is something that will stay between me and my many – by which I mean not many at all – sexual partners. Since I started work though I’ve managed to lose a stone of weight through the combination of my active job, going to the gym more regularly, and eating much better. I’ve been trying a predominantly vegan diet too, which has definitely helped me to lose weight and increase my energy levels. I would recommend anyone considering it to give it a go.

So to sum up, although it has been about four years since I had a breakdown in my bedroom in Guernsey and couldn’t get out of bed, I finally feel like myself again. Of course, I’m not the same person I was back then. There are aspects of the depression that I think I will live with for the rest of my life. I’m not quite as laissez-faire as I was back then (although I am still very laid back). I’m not quite as boisterous as I was – I haven’t sung in front of anyone for a long time. And I will always have days where I feel a bit down – take election day this year for example. But I have a lot of what makes me me back. I dance around the kitchen goofily when I’m cooking and listening to music. I’m a sarcastic prick. I’m bloody hilarious. I take care of my appearance. I wear great clothes. I am myself, and I like who I am. That is how I know I’m back to my best. Even if my best is a little different to what it was.

You can find my other Living with Depression posts under the Mental Health tab.